The Best Friend
by Kastirina-123
Summary: Four years has passed since Joannes' boyfriend "Dex" Betrayed her in RL Stines The Boyfriend. Joanne has changed..And when Mary has a son and Joanne kills Pete, Shep realizes that she isn't Joanne anymore.
1. Lifes so cold

**Disclaimer:  
  
**This story was written in sequel to, "_The Boyfriend" _by R. . . L Stine. I own only two characters in here, and their names are Devin and ...that other guy. Alexandra isn't an original character. Please, read on to find out more. I promise...If you like JTHM, psychos, mental patients and revenge...Read this. Alexandra's name and this fic was inspired oh-to-much by the Danny Phantom Fan fiction, "Take a look in the mirror." It rocks. If you haven't read it, please do so. It'sIts dark and gruesome and the character even breaks down in tears. There's also romance. READ IT, but read chapter eight while listening to "SomewhereSomwhere I belong" By Linkin Park. Holy shoot it rocks. I'm obsessed with Alex Maphton! All the cool parts of this fic where extracted from TALITM. "Alexandra" was created on behalf of Alex/Danny in her fic, so they are henceforth so very similar.similier. This is basically a shrine to that fic. I

I also do not own "We're not gonna take it" by Twisted Sister, "Break" By Linkin Park, "With you" By Linkin Park (Quite a fan, ain't I?), or "How does it feel" By Avril Lagvine. O! And I also don't own, _Gasoline _by Seether. I wrote this between the hours of 8:30 and 1:30 at _night. _I wanted to put music in there, OKAY!?!.

Chapter One: Life's so cold

_I woke up in a dream today_

_To the cold of the static_

_Put my cold feet on the floor_

_Forgot all about yesterday_

_Remembering I'm pretending to be_

_Who I'm not anymore._

It was dark. The monsters. They could find her here.

_Please don't let them find me, _was all she could think.

"God, please don't hurt me."  
  
The bodies began pouring in; jumping and snarling, muscling each other and making jokes. The blonde ones; they where the worst.

"Please..." Alexandra pleaded her voice weak. Her knees buckled beneath her and she fell. She fell from the wall of the sewers into the green water. And the monsters _laughed. _They'd laughed and they'd teased.

_No. Not again..._

"Please!"  
  
The huddled forms approached, growling and grinning madly...

"_No!"  
  
_A sweat broke out on Alexandra's' face as she jolted awake from her lurid memory. God, it was that dream again.

She was sick of that dream. She was sick of it all. And now, here she was; remembering.

She brushed free a couple of sticky black hairs that had been bound to her forehead by unseen adhesive. Then something began to form; a muddied picture, once shattered, was being reconstructed in her mind...

No.

"Noooo!!"  
  
She huddled herself into a ball, crawling onto the floor of her three room apartment. The wallpaper was torn, stained and dirty. The nineteen year old couldn't block our the screaming voice in her head telling her all these memories; as if reading them off a card or out of a book. She recognized her voice...  
  
_No! It'sIts not me anymore!_

It was the voice, the snake like mousy voice of Joanne.

No. she'd left Joanne behind!  
Joanne was supposed to be dead.

She _was _dead...

_A little taste of hypocrisy and I'm_

_Left in the wake of the mistakes_

_Slow to react_

_Even though your_

_Close to me_

_You'reYour still so distant_

_And I can't bring you back_

"NOOO!"  
  
Remembering hurt her...

Especially now.

No. No.

_Yes._

_Its true, the way I feel_

_Was promised by your face_

_The sound of your voice_

_Painted on my memories_

_Even if you'reyour not with me_

_I'm with you_

_You! Now I see!  
Keeping everything inside!  
With you!  
You! Now I see!  
Even when I close my eyes!_

_A picture began to form, of a girl with dark curls. She was smiling. Her peach skin was twisted into a grin and her round, pink cheeks where flushed from excitement. Perhaps she had been running.  
Alex used to like running. This, she remembered._

_She didn't like running anymore. She'd been running to long. From herself, her past; her old life. She couldn't leave it behind and she couldn't forget._

_The girl with dark curls appeared about seven years old; but the picture in her mind began to grow; Seven, eight, nine, ten, until the girl was 15 going on 16. Somehow, the innocence in her eyes was depression, sorrow, and a numb sort of hurt. And, as Alex also suddenly remembered—herHer name had been Mary. Alex's' best and only friends name—had been Mary._

_Yes, this she remembered. This, she was sure of._

_Her stomach made a stomach lurk as it tried to retreat into Alex's shoes. What? Why..._

_Everything began to make sense._

_No. No! _

_Every time this story got any further...She couldn't sleep without it being from exhaustion._

_Mary had gotten away with all she did to Joanne._

_And Alexandra had just watched._

_Joanne had pushed Alexandra into the farthest corner of her mind, where she wouldn't awake. Alex was every urge Joanne had ignored, every voice Joanna had silenced, every right that Joanne had wrong. Alex was the Goth Joanne never let loose, the homicidal maniac, the serial killer she kept inside._

_But this was to freaking much. _

_The girl had escaped._

_Mary had escaped._

_Even if she couldn't remember what Mary did, it was something wrong._

_Something dark._

_All Alex knew was she betrayed Joanne._

_And Joanne could not—wouldWould not—spendSpend another sleepless night remembering only to forget the next morning._

Waking to reality, Joanne—Alex— slipped in something like sleep, dreams of Mary and her past revisiting her. Tears prickled her eyes mercilessly.  
  
She had never remembered...So much...Before.

_  
I hit you and you hit me back_

_We fall to the floor_

_The rest of the day stands still_

_Fine line between this and that_

_When things go wrong I pretend that the past isn't real._

_Now I'm trapped in this memory and I'm _

_Left in the wake of the mistakes_

_Slow to react_

_Even though your_

_Close to me_

_You'reYour still so distant_

_And I can't bring you back,_

_No._

Tomorrow would be better. It _would be better!_

Hell, why couldn't she believe it?

No...It wouldn't be better.

Maybe she'd kill herself tomorrow.

Settling on the thought of a final sleep, Alexandra began to dream...


	2. When I pretend

:Chapter Two: **When I pretend**

Sometimes; many times; Alex had thought of ending her life. But somehow, she felt tied to reality. With no family, no friends, no purpose (and possibly no rent), what had she left to live for?  
  
She groped around tiredly for a shirt on the table by her bedside. She snatched a tank top and threw it on with some jeans. Buckle up boots where part of today'stodays outfit.

For some reason, she felt angry as hell and she wasn't going to take it any more.

Jumping into the small car (You see, she had trashed it over the years. ..Beer bottles, drugs...Knives..), who's chipped paint created a worn and unworthy illusion of "old", she pressed the petal. Hard.

She drove angrier than she should have; zooming past the mall, past the movies, past that disgusting end of alleyway area where Dex used to live. Joanne was starting to surface, but Alex denied Joanne passage.

She was going to drive off the cliff.

Rage flowed through her blood. Why? The question swam with many others in her mind. Something important happened last night; but what was it?  
Her memory faded as quickly as it had come; vanishing into dreams and dust and air.

No clues.  
  
And now she was going to die.

Screw this! So what if I hit a truck?!  
Maybe it'll end my life faster!

Matching her mood, she played some of the old rock music that she'd grown to name her "only friends".

_**We're not gonna take it**_

_**No, we ain't gonna take it,**_

_**We're not gonna take it anymore...**_

Not perfect enough.

Click.

_**I cannot take this anymore**_

_**Saying everything you said before**_

_**All these thoughts, they make no sense**_

_**I found this is ignorance**_

_**Less I hear, the less you say**_

_**You'll find that out anyway...**_

_**Just like before.**_

Almost..But..click.

_**Is this the real life?**_

_**Or is this just fantasy?  
Thought caught in a landslide **_

_**And escaped from reality?  
Open your eyes**_

_**Look up to the skie—**_

Click.

Then something made her stop.

_**  
I am young, and I am free**_

_**But I get tired, and I get weak**_

_**I get lost, and I can't sleep**_

_**But suddenly, suddenly**_

_**How does it feel?  
To be**_

_**Different from me**_

_**Are we the same how does it feel?**_

Not now. To angry, Avril. She needed something fiercer.

And that's when it surfaced.

_**Last night I saw that beauty queen**_

_**Watched her paint her face on**_

_**I wanna be that magazine**_

_**That she bases life on.**_

_**Wanna waste her monthly blood**_

_**Wanna get some on my love**_

_**Wanna get some gasoline**_

_**AND BURN THE HOUSE DOWN!!  
  
She's got nothing to say  
she's got bill to pay**_

_**She's got no one to hate**_

_**Except for me...**_

She parked the car.

No need to lock it.

She let the music fill her senses on the cliff.

She found herself head banging.

If she had remembered Pete, she might have had a scarce amount of respect for him now.

It amazing what years of betrayal and bullying can to do a rich snob?.

_**Last night I saw that beauty queen**_

_**Watched her cut her face off**_

_**Wanna be that magazine that she bases life on**_

_**Wanna waste her monthly blood**_

_**Wanna get some on my love**_

_**Wanna get some gasoline**_

_**AND BURN THE HOUSE DOWN!!!**_

Who was the "she" this man was referring to?  
  
She remembered...remembering—Last night. She knew who then.

Who...

_Mary._

The rage boiled. The morning was still early; 4:00 AM was too to early to be out.

Sure no one was there; Joanne did something she had been waiting to do for years.

Really let Alex loose. Pulling her hair loose, and blasting the music to loud to here her screams, she began.

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"_

Her hands crawling and pushed the sides of her head together. She felt like her skull was splitting.

_**She's got nothing to say  
She's got bill to pay**_

_**She's got no one to hate**_

_**Except for **_

_**ME!!!**_

_**ME!!**_

_**ME!!**_

_**ME!!**_

_**Last night I saw that beauty queen**_

_**Watched her paint her face on**_

_**Wanna be that magazine that**_

_**She wipes her ass on.**_

The shrill sound penetrated the air at the beginning of the third verse. She probably sounded like a death metal fan. But she didn't care. She heard herself letting it all out.

Her throat was dry and by the end of it, her voice was hoarse. Her tangled black hair distressfully clung to her face as she cried out.

"I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU ALL ONE DAY! FOR THE HELL YOU PUT ME THROUGH!"

The radio barley drowned her screams.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! YOU'LL ALL PAY! ESPECIALLY YOU, MARY! I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN! I'LL NEVER FORGET!"

_**Wanna waste her monthly blood**_

_**Wanna get some on my love**_

_**Wanna get some gasoline**_

_**AND BURN THE HOUSE DOWN!!**_

_**She's got nothing to say  
She's got bill to pay**_

_**She's got no one to hate**_

_**Except for **_

_**Me.**_

Something inside her was released that day. Somehow, she felt fabulous about it. Everything; the tension, the hatred, the angst, the insanity; was gone. For now. She felt clean.

The throbbing pain in her head subsided. She was exhausted.

She was ready.

It had to be done tonight.

_Something _had to be done tonight.

She was glad she hadn't killed herself.

Because...And only because—There was one more thing for her to do before she passed on.

And it had never been clearermore clear to her now.

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! YOU'LL ALL PAY! ESPECIALLY YOU, MARY! I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN! I'LL NEVER FORGET!"_

She was to kill _Mary. Mary (Last name here). _

The maniac grinned, looking back to her car. Flames where painted on the bottom and the rest was black. Small knives stuck out under the seats and a crowbar. If you look carefully, you might see cocaine in the back from that time that robber used it as his getaway car (long story), and the left side window was broken. It was no longer the perfect, prized car she had cherished. She'd changed it.

_O Mary. Now that I remember, I can't wait for you to see how much I've changed. And how much blood you can loose until your consciousness slips between your fingers._

She was driving home late into the night. Tomorrow, she would begin my search for Mary and Dex. Was Mary still with Dex? And what about Shep? She was sorry she had been snatched away from school. Forced to live in the sewers. She was sorry she could only travel by sewer pipes and subways, underground passages where she was safe.

She was so sorry.

She had really loved him, you know.

_And four years was a long time._

At first, she had found him a toy: To use and throw away. But her mind was on him a lot. She missed him.  
  
She'd left him behind.

"How could you be so FREAKING stupid?!" She hissed at her reflection in the cracked mirror. "HOW could you just leave him?!"

Wait. She'd...She'd...

_Remembered._

_And It really did hurt..._

_Deeply. _

_Emotional scars she kept buried began to receive new pain..._

And now that she'd realized everything and was putting together the puzzle pieces, she'd never forget.

Shep would stay the same.

He'd _help _her.

Right?

Mary and Dex made him this way.

And Pete. Horrible Pete.

She'd kill them all.

Breathing hard, she realized she had nothing; nothing to lose.

But a helluva lot to gain.

Putting the car into reverse, she found herself turning around.

She remembered Shep lived in the nicer end of town.

Maybe he was...He would probably still be there. Who would move out of a _mansion?_

_The same people who move into mansions, _Her mind yelled angrily.

Heart pounding hard, She drove slowly, steadily...Watching the house numbers. Gah! It was so dark!

Is this even where Shep lives?  
  
What if he moved?

Her heart sped into a panic.

The familiar sound of crunching metal filled her ears....

"Oh god, oh god, oh god..."  
Memories flew back to her. The operating room came back. The dizzy gas numbing the pain she couldn't feel; or maybe it was so bad she could barley feel it. She remembered screaming.

This time, it was only her bender.

Thank god.

She should not have come. It was nearing the winter; families where reminiscing. What if she hit a car with children?!  
  
O god, she hoped not...

Stepping out of the car, she was glad the other car had slid on ice and had barley meshed her bumper. He had swerved and stopped by a lamp post.

"I'm sorry," She said, in a usual state of monotone. Her voice did not waver.

"I'll pay for the damages."  
  
A silhouette turned his keys and clicked the unlock on his car door.

"I'm looking for someone," Alex continued, "Do you know anyone on this street by the name She—"

He stepped out of the car.

No. It couldn't be. It couldn't be.

"_Pete?"  
  
_Oh shit.


	3. Frozen eyes and waiting knives

:Chapter Three: **Frozen eyes and waiting knives**

"**P-Pete..."**

Her words where empty. O shit. O shit...Her cover was blown. Those words played like a broken record in her mind; _O shit, I'm so dead. _A thousand times.

O god...

"Excuse me?" He inquired breathlessly, taken aback.

"Who the hell are you?"  
Alexandra's eye twitched as she moved toward him into the streetlight.

"Who _am I? I forgot long ago. I'm Alexandra. But you once knew me...by a different name."_

He paused, then backed away to leave.

"I don't know nor have I ever known anyone named Alexandra. Mmkay? Bye..."  
  
But it was too late. She had already made her move, shoving him against his car.

"I **said **you once knew me by a different name!"  
  
"Are you a freaking psycho, Alex?!"

"The trick you played on me was really _mean, _Pete," She spat without thinking. "It's Alex now. You used to know me as _Joanne."  
_It was so hard to choke out her old name..._  
_Pete turned white.

He collapsed onto the ground.

"Wha-Wha-What?!"  
  
"_Joanne!!" _Alexandra hissed angrily, kicking Pete's' form into the dirt. And I kicked him hard.

"You used to know me as _Joanne!! Don't you remember, Pete?! Remember?!"  
  
_She turned away from Pete. Meanwhile, the boys' blood was frozen.

"That was really immature of me...I'm so sorry, Joan—"

"_DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME THAT! I'M NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE, AND I'LL NEVER BE HER AGAIN!"_

She screamed, turning to face him.

He was so afraid. She could see it in his eyes. Something was wrong and Pete sensed it. Joanne, he knew, had died. Everyone knew that. Everyone had been told she died. How. But...

Somehow, looking into her eyes he saw a hint of blue. But they where, for the most part, honey colored.

"You'reYour not Joanne," He growled. "you look nothing like her! Who are you? How do you really know me!?"

"I'M NOT JOANNE. I'LL NEVER BE HER AGAIN! Don't you GET IT PETE?! You always where _slow. _I'm Alexandra now. Joanne has been dead for years. Colored contacts and hair die changed my appearance. I wanted to leave that life behind me...But a question always burned in my mind. _What if..._ It needs an answer, Pete.  
And I think I know how to get it. You, Mary and Dex—You made me this way. Admire your work?" She stepped up and twirled.

"A cold-blooded serial killer who lives in a low paying apartment on a low paying salary at McDougal's. A raven haired escaped mental patient. Someone who had to drop out of school and live in the sewers for three years to dodge the beatings. Now, I see you here..."  
  
She reached into her pocket, searching for her switchblade.

"I'm sorry, J—Alexandra! I'm so sorry! Please, if you could find it in your heart to—"

"EVERYONE IS SORRY IF THEY'RE AFRAID ENOUGH...And to think. I was just going to hunt down Mary and go psycho on _her _ass and I find you. This is my night. Aha. My switchblade. I found her."

"Please, Joanne. Would this make you any better than we where back then?"  
  
Twitching psychotically, a deranged frown glided over Alexandra's features.

"No..." She started to turn away, but at the last minute sped around in a stabbing motion.

He let out a sigh and began to stand when he noticed her turning.

"But it would make me _feel _better!"

"NO! PLEASE—"

She's still not sure how she did it.

Mary always said she was _cold. _Maybe that's how I cut his throat. Maybe that's how she cut down his arm. Engraved on the back of his left arm, where the words, "I'm BACK".

She knew he knew where Mary was.

After that stunt they pulled on me, they'd be together forever. Forever bound through their cruelty.

Unless she cut them apart...

She doesn't know what drove me to murder him. She didn't know why I wasn't caught carving on his dead arms.  
  
But her life seemed to be going very well at that moment...It was only a moment...But she felt strong.

_I'm sorry, Pete._

_I really was sorry..._

_I don't know who I've become..._

_I never meant to hurt you or to kill you..._

_You made me this way!  
Don't put it on me!  
You stole away my perfect life!!  
You all did!  
You all did this to me!!_

_What comes around goes around..._

_Don't blame me._

Was her only thought...It helped her stay guiltless.

For a while.

It took her a couple hours to drive across town when she realized she had been on the wrong road after all. No wonder Pete was there.

Although she still thought she was a creep, now that he was dead...She had a sort of respect for him.

**S**heps' old house loomed above her. Sheppard Forrest. She missed him.

Breathing heavily, she knocked.

She knocked three times; soft, knocks.

They grew more frantic as she remembered how dark it was.

She remembered falling. It was so vivid. She remembered looking up into red eyes; like a demons. She was afraid she was going to die.  
  
"Hi Joanne," The voice had croaked. "How about a kiss?"  
  
_Hello? Miss?  
  
Miss, Excuse me?  
  
_Alex woke from her memory, breathing heavily and looking into familiarfamilier eyes.

"H-Hello? I'm wondering if someone named...named...Shep?"

She looked into the young mans eyes curiously...

"No, I'm not Shep. He's my cousin. I'm Devin. It'sIts nice to meet you, though... What is your name?"  
  
"Alex," I said quickly, recovering my senses, "Alexandra Nejano."

_Real smooth, _Alex thought darkly, _Nejano is just an anagram for Joanne. No ones' that stupid._

"I'll go get Shep. If you'd like, you can wait in the kitchen. Who should I tell him is here?"  
  
"An old friend," She answered weakly. "We go way back..."

Nodding understandingly, he gestured to a clean room. To clean. Everything was white and sparkling. It smelled like lemon cleaner.

She waited.

After about fourteen minutes, she heard thundering footsteps coming down the stairs.

Shep and Devin.

Shep looked so different now. They all did. His once boyish good looks where manly and added a look of innocence onto his features. His now dirty blonde hair was childishly short, with long locks hanging out of place on his head. His eyes where still the beautiful green gems they had always been...But he was different all the same.

Shep entered and Devin left, understanding they needed privacy.

"Do I know you?"  
  
"Shep—I'm back from the grave."  
  
She was hoping he'd give her a chance to explain.


	4. I'm all alone in the end

Chapter Four: **Yes, I'm all alone in the end**

**O**nly one person had ever said that to Shep. Years and years ago...It seemed like forever...He was able to connect those words to a girl. A sweet, happy, slightly snobbish little blonde girl. Her name had been Joanne.

Who was this?  
  
"Shep. Please, help me."

"Joanne....?" He began, trailing off into a mumble. Something wasn't right.

This _couldn't _be Joanne.

No, she was...She had to be....

"W-Who are you?"  
  
"Don't you recognize me? I guess you wouldn't. After the...incident...I changed my appearance. I don't want to remember anymore, Shep...I don't want to hurt anymore. Joanne died a long time ago. I'm not her anymore. I never want to be her again."

Looking up, morbid tears struck her eyes.

"I'm Alexandra. And I need your help."

Sheps eyes where frozen. Something was wrong.

"Why...Why me?"

"Because you're the only one I trust, the only one I have. Shep, I've changed so much in the last four years. I had actually planned on killing myself today. But then..." She paused, wondering how to phrase this.

"Well, I saw Pete...And I happened to have a switchblade on hand..."  
  
Shep went cold.

"You—you _ki-killed—_Jo—Joanne, how could you even consider—"

"Like I said, things have changed," She snapped off coldly, then regretted it and buried her face in her hands. "I'm different now, Shep...I don't want to be this way anymore... But I can't go back to being Joanne. Shep, I want to die. But I can't...Not until I see Mary in a pool of blood, screaming for mercy at the god whom had forsaken her."

In shock, Shep began to back away. Soft sobbing escaped the former blonde'sblondes lips.

_I can't go on like this, _Echoed in Sheps mind. _Shep, I want to die. _

I planned on killing myself today.

_Joanne is dead._

_I'm back from beyond the grave._

_I'm never going to be her again..._

A cool breeze escaped from the window, causing Shep to shudder. But they knew it wasn't all the sudden night breeze; Alexandra's' coldness wasn't helping to warm the room either.

For a few moments, Alex just wept. Shep ignored the urge to speak out of fear of angering the murderer; but so many things surfaced to his mind. They where memories and hopes. He had remembered dating Joanne; he'd liked her. But she'd always seemed so stuck up. She acted better than everyone else, and she had never even known it. She'd only felt she was gods gift to fashion; and like a sirens' song, her beck and call would lure a boy into a date.

Shep had convinced himself Joanne wasn't after him for his money. He figured she deserved a chance. Trusting the rumors would make him as low as the people who started them. Silence descended upon the room, deepening the already somber moment.

Finally, Shep spoke up.

"Is it... Is it that bad for you now...Alex?"

She looked up, eyes watering. Her voice trembled as she spoke.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, it is." She answered smoothly, her voice low and weak. She didn't want to sound like a helpless child, but she needed his assistance badly.

Did he catch on to the proposal she'd made?  
  
"I need your help. Please, Shep. I can't do it alone."  
  
Almost on cue, Shep sat next to Alexandra. He soon found himself tapping her back sympathetically. In the most fearless voice he could manage in the most sincere way he could, he muttered a phrase that she'd told herself so many times it had lost all meaning.

"It'll be okay."

"That's right," Alex answered quickly, "It will be. As long as you help me track down Mary and Dex, that is."

Suddenly Shep turned away and jumped up.

"I'm not going to help you take their lives!" "They ruined mine!"  
  
"So you're going to kill them?"

"Yes." She answered coolly, standing as well. "I plan on it."  
One second ago, she was crying and begging for help. Now, to Sheps surprise, she was demanding it.

"But I need help, Shep. I need help. I can't do it alone."  
  
"Killing them is not the answer, it doesn't make you any better than they are," He whispered softly, moving in to comfort her again.

"Then what is the answer, Shep? I want revenge! I've gone completely mental since that day I ran away. I never wanted to come back, either. Living on the outskirts of town was one of the best ideas' I'd had in a while. School became too brutal, so I took an escape through the underground passages. Subways and sewers. Rooftops and alleyways. I lived off what I could steal and what I could kill. I ran away from all of it; that day pampered, perfect, spoiled-rotten Joanne died. But her coldness was passed onto Alexandra.

"I reconstructed an old childhood memory of the dark. Blackness surrounding and smothering its beholder. One of the scariest things in the known world is the dark. Do you really know what lies beneath the shadow or the truth behind the nightmare? The dark is everyone's worst fear because behind its ebony veil, could be anything; knives, monsters, evil; hell.

"I never wanted to be in the dark again. No. In the dark, I saw the face of Joanne. I saw the memories. I felt the pain resurface. It was hard, Shep. It was hard no one would know or care if you died the next day. And who had I to thank but Mary. Mary and her boyfriend Dex. She betrayed me, Shep. Has anyone ever betrayed you like that? I've never trusted anyone since...And anyone who knew too much, got to close...Is dead. I killed when I needed to, and each time it became harder and harder to stop. I've isolated myself from the world. From everybody.

"Except...Except for you, Shep. I've killed Pete and feel no remorse. I only feel the dark encompassing me again, forcing me into dream, reminding me...Reminding me...of everything Joanne was, and everything I still am.

I don't want to be her again. I never wanted to be her in the first place. I never really let go of Joanne. She's always been in me; in the back of my mind, the voice screaming she was sorry. The voice that cared only about herself and maybe two other people. Now, she wanted them both dead.

"Deep down, I realize I really did love Dex.

It's why I made him suffer so much. Because I never truly wanted to admit how I felt, and somehow torturing him made me feel good, because the thought of him loving the torture made me grin. I hate myself now. Its one of the reasons I've listed on my Suicide list. More betrayal reigned over my mind after that day. Alexandra had been waiting to; and today, when I stopped and decided not to drive off that cliff, she snapped.  
Maybe you where awake; I had screamed all morning.

"I'm not a perfect blonde anymore. I died my hair to forget. And I wear colored contacts. I never wanted to be reminded of what I left behind."

Shep was in shock, standing there; translucent ivory took his skin color. He blinked a few times, and then coughed.

"If you promise not to physically hurt them..."  
  
"Nothing hours of therapy won't fix."  
  
"Damnitt! I'm serious, Joanne. If you hurt them..."  
  
"I want them to know what they did. I don't want them to be proud any longer."  
  
He stopped, and in an exasperated moment held his hand up to his fore head.

"I can help you find Mary. But Dex and I...We've never really been close."

Nodding in understanding, she handed him a slip of paper with a phone number on it.

"I'd prefer if you went home, Joanne. I'll call you tomorrow. Then I'll give you all I know about Mary's current life. I'm not sure she lives in this town anymore, but I'll ask Devin. He and Dex could be really good friends if Dex lived closer. . . They both share an interest in football and TV sports."

As he left, Alex heard her voice rise up above the silence.

"It's Alexandra. I'm not Joanne anymore."  
  
But when he turned to ask her about it, she had disappeared He heard the sound of a car screeching across the pavement, and soft rain droplets against bent metal.


	5. Sometimes in the darkness,

:Chapter Five: Sometimes, in the darkness

**W**hen she arrived home, Alex made sure the pay phone was working. She called and delivered a pizza to her old house address, just for the helluva it. Then, when she'd finished, she walked up to the rooftop.

Her driving escapades lasted most of the day; at 7:00 she had finished at the cliff. Her killing Pete had taken almost until 7:30; but the carving into his arm took until 8. The rest of the day was a blur of directions and driving and Shep, mixed with memories.

She'd gotten home around 12: 42 in the morning, and spent the night watching the stars. Sitting Indian-style on the rooftop, knowing if she scooted forward she would die, made her feel strangely in control, and she liked that. She had cracked a smile. Sometimes, in the darkness, she would grope around for hours to find her way. Her life had been a lie, and so she hid in the darkness she loathed so much; not because she was "Goth" or anything, but because it was the only place that was really..._real. _You can lie to yourself all the time; but the one thing you _can't _lie to yourself about—The one truth in this tangled web of lies—Was your greatest fear. And Alexandra's greatest fear was letting herself become Joanne again and not even realize it.

But it was real.

She wanted it to be _real._

She wanted the truth.


End file.
